I was considering whether or not I would want to stop eating again.

I decided that I would, and I didn’t eat all day today.

But then I got home and I couldn’t resist eating an apple and some peanut butter.

I have no willpower. Fuck. 　

Today in English, we were shown Maslow’s pyramid of what he thought were a human’s basic needs to survive and function (which ties into a functioning society). At the bottom, there was physiological things (breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis, and excretion), next was safety (security of body, employment, resources, morality, family, health, and property, after was love/belonging (friendship, family, sexual intimacy), then came esteem (respect of others, self esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of yourself), and finally self-actualization (lack of prejudice, problem solving, spontaneity, morality, creativity, and acceptance of facts).
I found it very interesting, yet as my teacher asked our class to write a journal about where we stand, I wanted to cry.. I almost did actually. And I guess it’s because I realized I’m at the very bottom, at physiological.
I don’t even have safety anymore. My family and I are really struggling with money because of the car accident and the bills that are coming in. We can barely pay rent and my parents are starting to plan our move (to either Canada, Korea, or in my grandma’s home in Santa Barbara). I don’t feel safe in my own body because I’m self-destructive. My health has gone down-hill and I’m in serious pain all the time (especially at night), but I know my parents don’t have the money or health insurance to take me to the doctor right now. I have no idea where I stand with my friends, though I’m pretty sure the majority of the people I hang out with hate me. I know my family hates me for being the main cause of the car accident. I most definitely don’t have a significant other. I have absolutely no self-esteem and I have lost respect of most people. I can’t think, so of course I can’t problem solve or be creative.

I’m just a failure as a human being.

I ditch my friends and abandon my work just so I could spend a little bit more time with you and see you off and all you can do is complain about how you want to leave already.
I really feel the love here.

I don’t understand why everyone likes you. 

You annoy the fucking hell out of me.

I DON’T like you.

Ugh. 　

I feel as if though I’ve finally let go of myself.
Like I’m just letting go of everything about me and just enjoying life.
Every morning and afternoon, I take a 10-minute walk from the bus stop to my house, and for the past few days, I’ve just taken time to be happy. What I mean by that is I just think about all the things that are going right with my life currently.
For instance, I finally have good grades. They’re grades I wouldn’t be so ashamed to not tell my parents. They could be better, yes, but I’m working my butt off and I know my parents can tell.
I made new friends who are people my parents would love for me to hang out with. These are the type of girls and guys that I would’ve hung out with in elementary school, when I was still a really good kid. They’re kind, extremely intelligent, talented, determined, and the girls are so beautiful. The best part about it, though, is they somehow manage to be that great and not make me feel like utter crap when I’m around them. I don’t know, my other friends try to do that, but I somehow always fear inferior to them.

I understand that life could be better. And I don’t know why I have this sudden new perception on life.. But like I said earlier, I think I finally just let go. Of my insecurities and my past.

The majority of the kids at the school I attend don’t give a shit for most things past boys/girls, drugs, and clothes. Not that there is a problem with liking those things, it’s just that they care only about those things. 

I would really like to meet someone who’s interested in art, literature, nature, music, and things of the sort.

Talking to them about things like that and about life would be a great experience. 

Not to mention that they wouldn’t bore the hell out of me after five minutes.

But then I remember my friends, and I smile c: 

And it makes me so happy that my friends are finding their boyfriends/girlfriends.

Basically, I’m just happy because everyone else is happy.

Girls who say theie life is terrible just because someone that they like doesn’t like them back piss me the fuck off.

I get upset too, so don’t get me wrong. But these girls have the most perfect life. They get along well with their parents, a lot of guys do indeed like them, they’re talented, they have good friends.. They have the whole fucking package.

So please, shut the fuck up. Your life ISN’T bad. There WILL be a guy who will come love you with all his heart. Just appreciate what you have goddammit.

Lately, my life has been falling apart.

I honestly thought that I had finally been getting back together, but it was really just getting worse and worse.

Normally, I would try to bring out the optimistic side in me and say that I’ll be okay again soon and that my life is good.. but I can’t. 

Everything is just tearing me apart.

The woman with whom my mom and I were in a car accident with is suing us. For everything we have. And if we lose, I don’t know what we’re going to do.

And I just wish I could help, but I know there’s not much to do.

My dad said the accident was my fault, and he’s right.

I’ve started cutting again. It’s with scissors and I don’t cut deep, so I don’t think anyone’s noticed yet. But honestly, I want someone to notice. I want someone to care for me and tell me everything will be okay. Most importantly, however, I want someone who will just let me cry and let me vent and for once not tell me about their problems.

I understand that your problems are important.. but my whole family lives are at stake and I hate to sound so selfish, but I think that’s more important. But maybe no one cares and their problems are priority.

I just need someone to confront me and ask me if I’m okay, even if I look happy. Most likely, I’m not happy. And I need someone to give me a look that will make me confess and say that I’m not happy. I need that. Please.